Loneliness and A Dab of Frost
by frozenrelevant
Summary: The story happen kind of before and after the events of Frozen. Anna and Elsa each tell the story alternately from their perspective. What's it like being shut out by your own sister And getting a glimpse of spending years behind a door. The characters are not mine and never will they ever be.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: none of these characters are mine and I'll try my best to base them off on the real thing. I am clearly an ameteur so please, if you want to tell me what's wrong, feel free to express them through my email. Thanks.

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It's come to my conclusion that something was wrong. Then again, it's come to my conclusion that something was wrong since the beginning.

Me being born from my mother is no curse. Yet it was something else.

I was born into a life where I carried everyone's expectations. Well, not exactly. I was a princess but I wasn't an important one. I wasn't like those hellacious ones with the waists. I wasn't a blonde bombshell. I didn't have the mesmerizing blue eyes but I knew who did and she had all of them.

Important: Her Highness Princess Elsa of Arendelle.

Tell you what, no one's perfect and I know I'm not, but gods. Elsa literally had to defy that and snap the necks of others who were on the same boat as me.

She was gorgeous. Smart. Hmm, really nice, perhaps.

Well, she used to be, at least.

She and I were inseparable. It was undeniable. We did everything together. But nowadays, I still think about what I did to have her ignore me for such a long time.

Pushing that aside, if I were the important princess, I'd be out of my room and basking in my own merciless glory.

I have no regrets on that.

But here I am, laying still on the floor and wondering what an unimportant person like me could do for her own sake.

My parents loved me, unmistakable.

They were just more... Attached to Elsa. I don't blame them.

My big sister was going to be queen someday.

Apparently, even without her having to talk to me or look at least, I still almost worship her.

She's my sister. Of course she inspires me.

Do I inspire her too?

Nonsense, Anna. You are the same as all of you.

Unimportant. I said it too often. As if I loved hearing it. I've never heard anyone call me unimportant but I knew how madly I drip with uselessness. Was that even possible?

I envied Elsa. How can someone isolate herself inside her room, ignore the entire world and still have the entire universe bowing by her feet.

I tried doing the same.

Of course, nothing happened.

So I stuck with the usual, which made it worse.

Yes, I am undeniably irritating as well.

I know that very much.

Even back when we used to talk, she was hard to keep up with. She had more lessons than I did, read more obviously. She was also physically faster.

Perhaps, there was something mother did that had cursed her second born with such terrible luck.

Maybe I was just like Elsa all along but there was just some mistake.

A rather big one, if I put it.

Today, the most of what I am going to do is stand in front of Elsa's door and wait for her to make a human sound.

Coughing. Snoring. Yawning. Singing. Just to give me some sign that she was still alive in that room.

But she barely made any sounds except for her calligraphy pens being scribbled on parchment.

Except her slow walking pace which I really loved to hear.

Of course, she still came out.

But only when I was out of plain sight.

You know, to head to the library or take a bath.

Elsa was an emotionless wreck ever since the first time we stopped hanging around together.

Which was at least maybe before I turned 6.

I always heard the maids talking about her. Complementing her as if she was the only princess in the kingdom.

Well, it felt like it too. They didn't need to change anything.

She is 3 years older than me.

I am 15. She is probably 18.

We stopped celebrating birthdays for a while. Dad ordered the gates shut and cut the staff short.

It just got lonelier and lonelier each year.

And it was just getting worse.

I have received news from the guards that my parents were killed out at sea just last week.

And they have been missing for almost 3 months.

Which also meant Elsa's time was coming. It was her turn to take over.

"Elsa?" I said to the door I sat in front of. "Good morning."

No response. Why am I not surprised.

"Mom and dad are gone, you know." I shrug. I cried too much the other day. I am drained out. Literally too tired to cry again. Too tired to scream.

"If you let me in, we can talk about it."

What was she doing in there? I have always wondered about it. It could've always been something different.

Maybe sewing. Cleaning a bit? Arranging her books I guess. Writing, as always?

Sometimes I think she's also dead.

She always tried making sure she never existed. That's impossible.

"Are you even there?" I sigh.

I hear her make a choking sound.

I think my lungs have stopped.

"It's me, Anna. Still remember me?" I smile sickly at the door. "Your... Sister."

I stare at the intricate designs on her door. I appreciate each curl the door's design had. My door was slightly similar but mine had some pinks and greens. Hers were purple and silver.

"How are you?" I felt cold around her door. I always have. It's almost like there's a small blizzard happening inside her room. "I'm alright, in case you're wondering. I... Went to the gardens yesterday. There are ducks there. A family of them... Really cute."

There is a large amount of awkward atmosphere happening between us. There always is. But maybe she's bored of me!

"Elsa, I'm not mad at you. In case you were wondering. But... If you're mad at me, then I want to say sorry."

I have heard a conversation like this before. More than five times. More than ten. My words for her were redundant. I couldn't find any other ways to express my confusion on this matter. I was starting to get desperate.

"Whatever I did... It must have been something terrible." I mumbled almost to myself but I was sure she heard it. "But I still need someone to tell me my mistake."

I felt a sharp pain somewhere inside me but the pain bounced everywhere from my toes to the back of my head.

Soon, I was back to crying.

I wanted to block the sound. I didn't want Elsa to hear my pain. I wasn't her problem. But I kept sniffing. And hiccuping like a little girl, I couldn't help myself. I wish I was still a little girl. That way I could cry as hard as I want and someone. Anyone, would come to pick me up and make me feel better.

Everyone is gone. Everyone has left.

"Elsa I'm sorry for being such a horrible sister. Just talk to me. Just look at me at least." I felt so strained.

I sounded ridiculous. She must be so disgusted of me. So embarrassed.

But I almost felt a relaxing warm presence approach my back which was on the door.

Elsa's door moved slightly. It couldn't be. She was leaning on the door. We were practically 3 inches apart

I realized I had stopped crying. My eyes were now glued to the small crack under the door.

I dip my head to find a shade of dark blue blocking a portion of the gap.

I didn't move to sit back up. I lay myself on the floor, eyes stuck to the gap on the door as I studied every detail of her dress.

It wasn't much to describe. She wore a royal blue -no- navy blue, almost black dress. I couldn't see any patterns but I understood it was thick fabric. Then on one side, I see white satin. Were they gloves?

"Elsa?" I whispered. But I was afraid to make it too loud, in fear of her moving away from the door.

"Elsa, I'm sorry. Elsa I love you."

I hear a sniff. An elegant one, at that.

Was she also crying?

"Anna," I hear her call me for the first time. Her voice was raspy and beautiful as always. I hear her make a hiccuping sound.

I think my heart just stopped.

She actually said my name. Still in awe, I look up at the door knob and wait for it to move.

"Anna, it's not your fault." She whispered painfully. "Anna I'm so sorry."

My eyes well with tears and I could feel a mix of utter satisfaction and at the same time frustration.

I was so confused. Why did it have to be like this? I've heard it all.

It's not my fault.

Whatever it is, it isn't my doing.

"Elsa, please. Come outside." I plead, my sunken eyes back at the crack under the door. "Stay with me."

I hear more hiccups. I feel so wrecked, hearing her like this. How agonized she sounded. How much pain she has obviously suffered.

I was so worried.

"Never." Her voice broke like a mirror being smashed into a million pieces.

"I can never."

In an instant, my eyes burned. I could feel myself slipping away from everything.

Little naive Princess Anna.

She had so many ridiculous dreams.

One of them was her sister.

And now, naive Princess Anna.

Very, very naive.

Has completely no hope in everything. She is back inside her imaginary world. Reckless. Foolish.

Lost.

"Elsa. I can't take this anymore." I pleaded. "I don't want to die knowing that you were never part of my life."

If only I knew how to explain exactly how I felt. I was no poet. Nor was I a philosopher.

I was an idiotic mess who only knew how to use up vague words to express her own miserable longings.

"You are an inspiration to me." I forced a smile. She didn't have to see. "I have always wanted to be just like you. Elsa, you're so pretty."

She was back to being silent. Hopefully, she was still listening. My heart beat loudly and it felt like I was saying a dying wish to a deaf princess.

"Why does it have to be like this?" I ask her, trying not to sound too heartbroken.

"Please, Anna." She whispered too softly but the hissing was deafening, I couldn't mistaken a single word. "It can't be this way."

This was the first time.

I actually obeyed her. Every time she told me to go away, I never did.

I stayed around and bugged her until dinner time. There was nothing that could stop me.

But I left her. She didn't need to tell me twice. I was walking away.

"Anna," I heard her again. I stop at my tracks and glance back at the hallway.

What was I doing?

I felt like I was staring at my own misery.

A white door.

"Yes?" I say and brush my fingers over it. I still had hope.

Silence. This no longer made sense to me.

But perhaps she wanted me to stay.

I remember being around the gallery room where Joan usually waited for me.

Joan was a portrait. It was my grandmother's when she was still alive, then my mother found it in the attic.

Joan is my best friend. Honestly, she felt more alive to me than Elsa.

Maybe it's because I frequently feel like talking to a slab of wood whenever I'm with her.

As the years gone by, I have learned how to do things by myself that I never knew were more useful than I thought they were.

Like straining myself from releasing too much emotions.

I wasn't the best at it. I still cry around when I feel like it, but at least I stopped screaming.

My sister was the queen of detachment. Every portrait in the gallery room with her face always held a powerful frown. Even the ones taken from ten years ago.

It made me think, knowing that I always smiled in pictures. Why not her? Did she hate life that much to not even smile for anything anymore?

Elsa was mother's child. She really, really was.

She was my mom's spitting image. Every time I looked at mama, i always die a bit inside. Mother was graceful. She would never harm a fly.

Unless I did something wrong, maybe her inner demons liked to unleash themselves. Mother was beautiful. She caught so many eyes whenever she would pass by, almost leaving a trail of heaven at her wake.

Elsa was the same. Even as a child, she was striking. I admired her so much.

And I recall the old promise we always vowed to each other.

Elsa had numerously mentioned traveling to France. And Italy. And China. With me, her right hand.

Just us against all odds.

The fact that she was so passionate about being queen and loving everyone including myself.

Then see her drop the idea and wish she never met me.

Elsa remained silent. But I went back for her and sat next to her door.

"I'm here, Elsa. I always will be."

I smile at nothing, but the quiet soul I knew would soon come out and let me hold her again.

I fall asleep by her door and wake up to eat dinner.


	2. Chapter 2

Elsa: the queen

Sometimes, it's no longer the same being alone.

Since when did I ever get over my own isolating process? It was for my own good, especially Anna's.

I needed to get away from her.

But I didn't seem to be doing a good job.

I got the big news just after Anna had learned. The first thing I heard that night.

Anna's death-dragged scream.

And constant weeping. All I could do was stare out a window and give the worst attempt to stay calm even when I knew jagged ice spikes grew furiously after each heartbeat.

Obviously, she came to me and yelled it all out. It wasn't how I expected to learn, but I did not take it easy either.

They still mattered to me, of course. Even if I stopped getting hugs ten years ago. Even when they stopped tucking me to bed. Even when they were too afraid of me.

I don't blame them. I will never blame them for that.

I also lost hope in myself. It's been a while since I actually looked at the mirror and saw a princess.

I no longer saw myself either.

Neither could I describe what I see.

As for Anna, I still dread the day when she will stop coming to my door and talking to me. She was growing up. I was growing as well.

I could feel us slipping away each day.

Despite myself staying inside my room all day and trying to not exist, I understood my sister. Everyone seemed to shut her out since the day I ignored her. It broke me.

"Unimportant." She liked to say.

She will never be unimportant. Because there are so many things I know she can do, that I would never have the courage to.

Anna inspires me to remain detached and always composed. This is all for her.

Necessities. I never had them.

I stopped thinking about myself before I could realize it.

Since when did I ever think about my misery? Not until now, if I may be honest.

But I was conscious. No doubt.

I always made sure no one saw a single wrinkle on my skirt. So I barely move around in public.

I don't speak unless someone has told me to.

I try my best to sit on an upright angle.

I make sure to head to bed at exactly ten in the evening.

Speaking was never my thing. But I am a very emotional person.

So it is hard to compose myself.

Especially with my own handicaps.

Like being and pretending to be normal. I knew I wasn't. Way before all of this. At the very beginning.

I will never allow my own sister to find out. I won't let her carry such a burden of living with a... a... Monster.

"Elsa?"

Speak of the devil.

Yesterday, I couldn't resist myself.

I had spoken to her and it was a big mistake.

I wanted her to think I didn't need anyone anymore. I want her to know that I'm fine by myself.

Even if it slowly killed me inside.

She was very right about my situation.

Who would want to be alone?

Maybe, people who need to think.

People who want to calm down.

People who know that they could harm the ones they love dearly and would do something as ridiculous as no longer showing up to the dining table and to their own birthday parties.

The things I do for love.

"Hi, um how are you?" Anna asked through my door.

I won't respond anymore. She would know what's coming. I waited for a patient response to her own question.

"I'm doing fine. As always." Anna's uncertain voice rang bells in my ears. "About yesterday... Maybe we could do this again?"

I give her silence as my response.

But to me, it was a die hard _yes._

"Y'know... Talk?"

Talk.

I continue staring at the door, with the same sad look I knew I always held whenever she came by to ask me simple favors.

"I'm turning sixteen soon. Maybe you'd like to celebrate it with me? I mean, mama and papa won't be here. Obviously."

I would never forget her birthday. But I have made it through almost eleven of them without bothering to say a word to her.

I wonder if she ever remembers my birthday..

Then again, she would also never forget. Every year on my birthday, Anna would stay by my door with one entire cake and a present. She always got me presents.

She would stay by my door for the entire day, talking and laughing almost to herself, like she was going somewhere with her conversation.

But by midnight when the little party is over, she would always give me the same rhythmic knock and inform me that she has left the cake and present outside for me to take.

Because she already knows I won't get it unless she's plain out of sight.

Last year, she gave me a portrait.

And it was a big one.

It was a family portrait of me and her as kids in the garden.

I've seen the painting a million times when I was smaller. It always hung around by the grand fireplace in the main hall.

Anna probably thought I forgot about her.

I felt so disappointed that day.

So useless that I couldn't spin her head the other way around.

I just couldn't.

But I left her smiling when she had realized that the painting was no longer in front of my door and is replaced by a portrait of father on top of the grand fireplace.

What she didn't know is that the portrait is in my room, yes.

But I couldn't get myself to hang it up. I covered it with a piece of satin and let it sit behind a chair I never use.

Because it was a reflection of every regret I have ever made.

Every portrait or photograph has a story to tell, that is true.

But that portrait I had even up to this day held the worst story of them all.

"Then again, maybe not." I could hear Anna grip her thick dress. "I could just spend my birthday here again! W-Wouldn't that be fun?"

I put a hand over my mouth to mute my own guilt.

I hated myself for this. I didn't want her to spend her birthday celebrating and laughing with a door.

I so badly want to tell her that she could just celebrate it with me. Outside. Where we can both have fun and wish her another prosperous year.

And it's been something I've been wanting for eleven times already.

I couldn't restrain myself any longer.

This was too much to handle for a growing girl. She needs someone to enjoy life with.

But she had no one.

And no one cared about her.

 _She had me_ I wanted to tell her.

But that wasn't entirely true.

In fact, it's wasn't true at all.

"We're going to have cake. Chocolate, because that's the best kind..." She trails off. There was so much melancholy in her voice, I tried my best to stifle my own breathing because I could feel it getting heavier.

"And... We're going to talk and have fun until... Until it's over. Midnight. Sounds good?" Anna calls out to me, clearing her throat afterwards.

It was March today, that I knew.

But it's been forever since I've looked at the date.

"I'm taking that as a yes." She tried so hard not to sigh but I hear her walking away quickly like she always did.

I want to give her something. I really did. It was just a big disappointment that there are so many things in the way of it.

Like my life.

I at least wanted to give her something I've always wanted to give her.

Which is my heart. Anna would never understand.

That's because all her life, she's convinced herself that she had done something wrong to me even when it should be the other way around.

I'd made her feel guilty for no reason. She's blaming herself for something she didn't do.

And that's when I knew that she so dearly, loved me back.


End file.
